Open Like a Lake….for when emotions are really raw

Glassy lake

so much hurt and preservation
like a tendril round my soul
so much painful information
no clear way on how to hold it

when everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

– Sara Groves, Like a Lake

The cursor blinks tauntingly at me and I sit here watching it and waiting.  I’ve tried to avoid writing today, but Simon says that “writers write” and “starving artists starve themselves mostly of self-belief and inspiration” so I sit obediently, with fingers poised over keyboard and wait for thoughts.

My head is full, and my heart brims over with a little bit of sadness and a little bit of malaise, and this is, most naturally, the time when words and tears spill out on the pages before me, but not today.  Today I want to stick my head in the sand and stay disconnected from this sadness in me and I know that opening the floodgates for words, opens the floodgates for emotion too.

A song plays in my head- one I heard this morning on my way to work that sounded pretty but didn’t tug on my heart because it was just words then and not real life. Then news comes of a life lost far too soon and the heart within me that is a mother and a older sister broke in two for the mother and sister who lost her, and suddenly just words turns to heart-aching truth and I am thankful that someone has the gift of making these truths into beautiful music. In the midst of the ache, a friend reaches across a thousand miles with a post about God and goodness and like the spot on my windshield where rock beat glass- it is the second hit that cracks the whole.

I tried earlier to write a post about speakers, but it didn’t come and I sat and stared and watched the cursor blink.  Then I tried to finish a post on secrets, but even those words wouldn’t come with any sort of rhyme or reason.

So instead I just sit and write. I am writing exactly what is happening as I am writing and I wonder if this might not be the first moment I have been truly present all this day.  But presence hurts today, so I stay quiet and keep my head down and hide in the back corner of the office hoping that no one will notice and come looking for me, because what I need most right now is just time.

So I apologize if the resources post is not up today, and quite honestly it may not be up tomorrow because tonight I will spend hugging babies and husband and truly relishing the people I love in my life.

So here is the resource for you today….and the tip on relationships for you the rest of the week:

Photo by Melton Microfilms

Photo by Melton Microfilms

Love.  Love deeply and strongly, and…please, please, please- SPEAK IT.  Say it out loud. Hug it out long.   Don’t wait, say it today, say it tomorrow and say it a lot. Leave no love unsaid- not in your marriage, or with your family, or with your friends, or with the lady who sits at the end of the pew and raises her hands when she sings worship, or with the man on the street corner who holds the sign that reads, “single dad just trying to make it work. Please help.”

And remember:

when everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake- Sara Groves, Like a Lake

Sprinting with God

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of – throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” – CS Lewis, Mere Christianity

It happens once in a while….God places someone or something in your path that rocks your world and shifts the gear on your sanctification process.  Anyone else experience this?  You are walking along with Jesus- happy with the God you have created, finally understanding your place in your reality- and then suddenly God grabs your hand and starts off at a sprint…

Come with me…I have something to show you, he shouts back over his shoulder.

And so I run…no sprint…to keep up- lungs breathless and legs burning…and I sense it, that just over the horizon is new revelation…new understanding…new holiness, and I can’t wait.

I’ve just begun a new study of God’s words…of his principles…of the Kingdom…and it is transforming my heart.  But sometimes, God divinely appoints someone to speak into my life exactly what I didn’t know I was needing , but was searching for, last night was one of those divine appointments.

I stayed after to request a book list of my instructor.  I had no thought of spending the next two hours pouring out my questions like a pitcher with a thousand holes in it.  With grace and truth he spoke to me and I felt the thousand little heart explosions as truth landed there between us, and what was an easy-paced walk with the Lord, turned into an Olympic record sprint.

Although David had many weaknesses, one thing he did well was to receive the Word of God from the prophets around him.  His obedience to God’s truth saved him, grew him and molded him into the “man after God’s own heart” that he was to come.  I am thankful that God has placed in my life wise prophets to speak God’s Words into me…words of life and encouragement.

As we crest the hill together, God and I, I see that this is my Adullam – my refuge…my place of learning and of building and of growing and a confirmation sweeps over me that I am in the right place at the right time. The right time to learn how a shepherd becomes a king…

“I need to know you are holding me just as closely as the day you took my life and gave me a vision, as the day you poured the oil and gave me a dream. I can’t believe this is happening. How does a shepherd become a king?”- Sara Groves, Cave of Adullum

Cave Of Adullum (Album Version)