Because My Mother’s Heart is Breaking….

It happens almost every morning.

As he wakes from his fitful sleep that was interrupted by sweat drenching and gut wrenching, he curls his body around the gnawing ache in his stomach, the one that threatens to wretch and heave, and he clamps his eyes shut tight and prays desperately to God for the strength to rise another day.

He is eleven.

He is my son…and I cannot help him….and it is eating me alive.

I stroke his hair and back and pray healing over his body.

I pray “Lord, help my unbelief.” My head knows You can and do heal, but my heart doesn’t trust it.

My heart rises up to choke out the words, “It’s time to get ready for school,” and he clamps shuts his eyes and nods.  “Give me just a minute, Mom.”

Tears well up and I turn away and on the inside I rail at the world and at me and at God because dear God he is only eleven and yet every morning he makes a decision that I, in my age and maturity, would struggle against.

I am transported back to the morning just a few weeks after his sixth birthday. The morning I woke up to find him asleep on the bathroom floor with his pillow and blanket. It was the first time he had not come to wake us when he got sick in the night; the first time he closed the door so we could rest.  That morning, as I held his heaving body over the toilet for the third time in an hour, I realized our life would never be the same. And as I rocked him and told him he didn’t have to go school that day…we would stay home and rest, he took my face in his hands and looked me in the eyes and said,

“Mama, this is my life now. I can’t just stop living it.”

He was six….

And so wise…wiser than I.  And my heart rose up in my throat, and tears welled up in my eyes, and a mother’s bittersweet pride filled up my chest and I railed at the world and at me and at God.

This journey has been long and arduous, hard for our whole family, and we are not near the end of it.  We had the help of doctors and healers in the beginning…until there was talk of stomach tubes and elemental formula and a growing boy who can’t eat and my mother’s heart said no.  Then we traveled alone and have for the last few years….feeling out our way….having good months and bad months…and good days and bad days…..But now, it’s been six bad months in a row and countless bad days and every morning is the same heart wrenching and gut wrenching routine.

So would you pray with me today?  Pray for Xander’s healing first and foremost, but also for heart and head wisdom for our family.  It is time to walk the journey with others again and it takes a good deal of discernment to determine who those should be.  It’s time to make some really difficult decisions about our schedule and our routine and make changes that may be painful for all of us, and it is time to face the fear that we may have harder days ahead of us, and frankly, my strength for the journey has been sapped by the miles already traveled.

Thank you, Lord, for this absolutely amazing family you’ve given me stewardship over.  Thank you for the wise little soul you knitted into my son, and for the partnership of a man who is rock solid and yet tender and gentle at the same time, and for a place where my heart feels safe enough to say “I don’t feel good enough.” Thank you, Lord, for preparing us for this journey and for walking with us every step of the way. Lord, I know you heal and restore and redeem…I declare that by the blood of Jesus Christ and the resurrection and life of Jesus Christ, that my son will be healed.  Lord, I praise you and claim that healing now.  In Jesus name, Amen.

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Thank you for your prayers.  If you’re interested in learning more about Xander’s disorder- Eosiniphilic Esophagitis check out www.apfed.org and here’s a post I wrote several years ago about where we were on this journey. 

Oh so many things to tell….

Where to begin….there are loads happening around here (with me…and with the ministry!)

So I will sum up the goings on!

First, Captivating Heart is coming to life!

Captivating Heart is a retreat ministry based on the bestselling book, Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge.  Captivating is based on the message that there are core desires of woman’s heart- to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to be the beauty of the story- and that unlocking and understanding these desires are the secret to the feminine heart.  The core message of Captivating is this:

Your heart matters more than anything else in all creation.  The desires that you had as a little girl and the longings you still feel as a woman are telling you of the life God created you to live.  ~ Captivating

I have felt a strong desire for several years to bring this message to my community in a way that is affordable and accessible to women locally, so a team of twelve other faithful ladies and I have been working diligently to provide just that…and it’s coming together! I am so excited! AND I so want you to join us!  There are tons of ways to register:

1) You can go to the events page and click on the “register now” button under Captivating Heart…

or

2) Check out our online home at www.captivatingheart.com.  You can find out all the information and register right there online! Special shout out to Madwire Media for donating design hours to create our site!

We’re hosting our first fundraising event!

To raise funds for Captivating Heart and provide scholarships to those who could not otherwise afford the retreat we are hosting a Garden Party on June 9 from 10-12.  We would love for ya’ll to come out….you can purchase your ticket to attend and find out more about the event here:

http://captivatinghearttea.eventbrite.com/

Fundraising has begun in earnest! 

So if you can’t make our awesome ladies tea (I’m super excited to wear my new garden hat!) and you want to donate to our cause (please, please, please consider it!) then, we have a way for you to do that as well through our totally secure fundly site…We’d love to partner with you to help make this happen!

http://fundly.com/s/captivatingheart

Hmmmm…I think that those are all the exciting updates I can think of right now, but the truth is I’m super tired and I need to rest up for a brain scan tomorrow….beauty sleep for pictures, you know? (beneath this false bravado is a girl secretly asking for your prayers…I really detest having someone inject radioactive dye into my head, strap my head into a cage and stick me into a really noisy, very tight-quartered tunnel.) Thank you so much in advance for your prayers and love! Hopefully, I will have more to share this weekend!

Grace and Peace,

CK

Lord, Rescue the weak and needy….

“Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute.  Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked. ” – Psalm 82:3-4

I don’t know her. I don’t how old she is or if she has blonde or brown hair or if she is tall or short.  I don’t know what color her skin is or if she is American by birth. I only know that she is hurting and somehow she found me….found us….here.

I don’t know her whole story, the bits and pieces she has shared have made my heart cry out for her, but you want to know the most remarkable thing about her? She is crying out for Jesus.  She doesn’t know anything about him other than she needs him.  She has been told all her life she wasn’t good enough, no not just that, but that she was BAD and that God doesn’t want her.  And yet, she still seeks him…

My friends, would you join me in prayer with this young woman….this young sister who is seeking out our Father.  Pray for her to know Him. Pray for her to feel and be safe, pray for her to know that she is his BELOVED DAUGHTER, a PRINCESS.

Oh My Heavenly Daddy, I fall at your feet this morning. My heart is aching for my sister who is searching desperately for you in her moment of need. Will you meet her there?  Show her your love, wrap her in your peace, give her your security and safety.  Guide her and Lord Jesus, protect her.  Heal her wounds…both physical and spiritual, Lord.  Make her whole again.  I thank you so much for this place to come together with brothers and sisters from all around the world and Lord I thank you and praise you for making this site a place of help in time of trouble.  Lord I pray that you would give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute.  Lord, rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.  WE ask all this in your precious name, Amen.