There is a heaviness about me today. A fatigue that is difficult to shake off, to smile past, to focus through. In years past I would have labeled it with a medical name, Fibromyalgia, it was my catch-all. A place I stored all the little stirrings of my heart, body, and soul that could not be defined as “pleasant.” That’s not to say that I don’t still have symptoms of the disease, but more frequently now, I look deeper, past the physical symptom to the underlying cause.
Today, that cause was spiritual. A tangible disquiet filled my soul this morning and colored my world. At first, I wrote this all off to lack of sleep. I stayed up late last night to watch TV, but in the midst of morning worship- Pow! Right in the kisser!
Music stirs my soul. It quiets the ongoing voices in my head that cry out, “You don’t deserve…you’re not enough…you are a bad person.” But this morning, the music was dissonant within me. Not in the way it sounded, but in the way it felt.
Disconnected. Far away. OPPOSED.
I closed my eyes and tried to force myself to focus. To wrench up the discipline to worship. As I closed my eyes, assuming a physiology of worship, God smacked me in the face.
I physically felt the jolt of it. The image that burned into my soul caused my eyes to burst open as if from a terrifying nightmare. The pain in my heart caused me to grow faint and search for something to hold onto. “Oh God, what is this?”
I grabbed paper to write it down simply to get the image out of my head. This is what I wrote.
There is darkness around me. I see a chain from the pit of my belly running out into the darkness…pulling me deeper into it. There is a light, but it is far away and I am disconnected from it. I struggle against the chains, but they only dig in deeper. I am bleeding, I feel the life draining from me. When I look it’s water that flows from me.
My heart is heavy- weighty in my chest. I am sluggish and drained and chilled to the bone. Lord, this picture is so vivid…so disturbing…so scary. Help me. Give me your peace.
“FAST,” he says, “you are being pulled away. Reconnect to the Light.”
And instantly I know that this is not a fast from food, although that would do my soul good, but this is a fast from something far more integral to my life: MEDIA.
Hi. My name is Cari and I am addicted to Facebook…(nervous giggle) It sounds silly when I say it out loud, but it is true. I have known I have a problem for a while, but recently I’ve been under much conviction to take some time away.
So that’s exactly what I am going to do. Thanks to God’s thirty second horror movie (did I mention I was a big weenie when it comes to scary images- I am, ask my friend Heather..), I have been spurred into to action.
I am writing this to let you know that I am taking a hiatus from social media and television for the next few weeks. It’s not you…it’s me J , but I promise I am not breaking up with you. I do know that I need time to get back with my God, to soak up his words for me instead of what my friends in Florida are doing. To get my head back in the clouds so to speak.
I have scheduled several posts for you to enjoy while I am exploring God’s invitation to spend more time with Him, so in all actuality, you will be getting more posts from me that usual- how’s that for a little time apart, huh?
How about you? Do you need to lay something you do down so you can get closer to God?
Will you do that today?
Share it with us in the comments and let’s pray each other through this time of centering…