Open Like a Lake….for when emotions are really raw

Glassy lake

so much hurt and preservation
like a tendril round my soul
so much painful information
no clear way on how to hold it

when everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

– Sara Groves, Like a Lake

The cursor blinks tauntingly at me and I sit here watching it and waiting.  I’ve tried to avoid writing today, but Simon says that “writers write” and “starving artists starve themselves mostly of self-belief and inspiration” so I sit obediently, with fingers poised over keyboard and wait for thoughts.

My head is full, and my heart brims over with a little bit of sadness and a little bit of malaise, and this is, most naturally, the time when words and tears spill out on the pages before me, but not today.  Today I want to stick my head in the sand and stay disconnected from this sadness in me and I know that opening the floodgates for words, opens the floodgates for emotion too.

A song plays in my head- one I heard this morning on my way to work that sounded pretty but didn’t tug on my heart because it was just words then and not real life. Then news comes of a life lost far too soon and the heart within me that is a mother and a older sister broke in two for the mother and sister who lost her, and suddenly just words turns to heart-aching truth and I am thankful that someone has the gift of making these truths into beautiful music. In the midst of the ache, a friend reaches across a thousand miles with a post about God and goodness and like the spot on my windshield where rock beat glass- it is the second hit that cracks the whole.

I tried earlier to write a post about speakers, but it didn’t come and I sat and stared and watched the cursor blink.  Then I tried to finish a post on secrets, but even those words wouldn’t come with any sort of rhyme or reason.

So instead I just sit and write. I am writing exactly what is happening as I am writing and I wonder if this might not be the first moment I have been truly present all this day.  But presence hurts today, so I stay quiet and keep my head down and hide in the back corner of the office hoping that no one will notice and come looking for me, because what I need most right now is just time.

So I apologize if the resources post is not up today, and quite honestly it may not be up tomorrow because tonight I will spend hugging babies and husband and truly relishing the people I love in my life.

So here is the resource for you today….and the tip on relationships for you the rest of the week:

Photo by Melton Microfilms

Photo by Melton Microfilms

Love.  Love deeply and strongly, and…please, please, please- SPEAK IT.  Say it out loud. Hug it out long.   Don’t wait, say it today, say it tomorrow and say it a lot. Leave no love unsaid- not in your marriage, or with your family, or with your friends, or with the lady who sits at the end of the pew and raises her hands when she sings worship, or with the man on the street corner who holds the sign that reads, “single dad just trying to make it work. Please help.”

And remember:

when everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake- Sara Groves, Like a Lake

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