Oh…I have so neglected posting to this blog! So sorry, guys! I will be posting, more often than not, over on www.carikaufman.com. Please visit me there! But, in the meantime, I wanted to share with you a journal post from my time at Captivating in April.
Big fluffy snowflakes fall, muffling the sounds of four hundred women beginning to stir. The beauty of the mountains surround me. We have all come here together seeking the same answer to the same question, a question every woman bears- “Am I captivating?”
We all ask it different ways-but it is the ageless question on every woman’s heart. On mine.
“Lord, am I beautiful? Am I truly yours, Lord? Do you really love ME so much that you would send you son to DIE…FOR ME?
I wish I could say that I am a woman who didn’t need that question constantly answered. I wish that the blessed assurance that I am God’s BELOVED DAUGHTER– bought and paid for…no RANSOMED..by the blood of Jesus Christ would sit, would stay put in my heart forever. But the understanding of that sacrifice escapes daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes by the minute.
The world and the enemy of my soul they tell me it’s not true, they tell me I am not lovely, I am not captivating, I am not beloved….even worse- they tell me I am not His.
And I wish, God, I pray, that I did not believe that lie so often. So Lord, I come to ask you , “Do you see me? Am I lovely? Am I yours, Lord?
In this room, where others are asking the same question in each their own special way…I hear You shout, not whisper, but cry out a definitive, “YES!“ And my heart cries out in joy…in response.
I see it now, all around me…your extravagant love for me…like a beau bringing flowers to his lady. I see it in the fluffy snowflakes on my eyelashes- like kisses from God. And in the beautiful smiles of the sister hearts I meet all around me. And the breathtaking views of the mountains. And the vivid blue of the sky. And I hear it in the 400 voices raised in song and worship, and the shouts of praise and the whispered prayers of intercessors.
Thank you, Lord Jesus, for meeting me here. For bringing me here. For loving me here. I love You.
“I kept running around it in large or small circles, always looking for someone or something able to convince me of my Belovedness. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the “Beloved”. Being the Beloved expresses the core truth of our existence.”
-Henri Nouwen, The Life of the Beloved